Not Just A Pretty Face
by PixieGirl17
Summary: Connie's final thoughts about her loved ones.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Heroes

**Not Just a Pretty Face**

For **Venas**

The experience of watching your child die right in front of you isn't exactly something you can communicate to another human being very easily. It doesn't matter if they're a parent themselves or if they're a thirty-something-year-old, emotionless spinster who cares more about the next chance at a promotion rather than the last chance of motherhood, its not something which is easy to put into words. The reason for that has nothing to do with the other persons ability to empathise with your loss nor does it have anything to do with your ability to articulate your feelings on the loss of a child. Its because its not part of the plan, you're the one who is supposed to die before they pass away. No mother who goes through so much to bring a child into this world should not have to watch their child die so instantly and so horribly as well. As I looked down at Penny's corpse all I could think about was how she was bloody in her death. She was just as bloody in her death as everyone else was in her birth. I had imagined her more likely dying of cancer or Alzheimer's disease. I never pictured her death as bloody and terrible as that night was. I wanted a lot of things for Penny but I didn't want that for her. I wanted a better life than the one I had given her and now that I think about it what I wanted seemed to matter more than what was probably better for her. I was never a really good mother to her since the thought of what was best for her very rarely crossed my mind.

Penny...Penny was a hard kid for a woman like me to have as a daughter. I knew men liked me. I knew since adolescence. At first I used to think it was just because I was an early started with the additional blessing of natural good looks. However the more I flaunted it the more I knew it wasn't just down to that. A woman had to work it too. Penny never had any of these attributes. She revelled in the fact that she could be invisible and worse yet she liked being invisible. A mother is supposed to tell their daughter that they're the most beautiful girl in the world and the thing was Penny did have a great body and wonderful, honey blonde hair but with everything else...She didn't make an effort with her clothes, make-up and her face...Well lets just say she got more from her father than she did with me, poor girl. I tried to help her. There was even that one time when I left her with the beautiful face of some girlfriend of a guy we picked up. She was a knock out. Smooth, beautiful skin. Bright, sparkling blue eyes...For once my daughter allowed herself to be beautiful. Even if it was for one night and from the way that I saw it, she got a lot of that little favour from me and that little bit of indulgence on her part.

Even though a lot of people would have thought that I was wrong considering my reasons but I just wanted her to be happy. I just think now that my idea of happiness and hers were completely different things. If I had listened to her more than I pressured her about her looks...I think I would have been a better mother if I had be a little less selfish. At the time I thought she was being the selfish and spiteful one. She was more or less scoffing at my ability, viewing it as something which was hardly an asset to anything let alone the Company. She was the one who was pretty much attacking my insecurities most of the time. I remember when I was a kid and my Dad would give me so much grief over the fact that I was so good-looking. For thirteen onwards there would always be these comments when I would come home, wearing my make-up and high-heels, he would always ask how much the men paid me for the day. Day after day, week after week he would make me out to be some whore when I knew I was just trying hard to prove that I wasn't just some airhead. He wasn't the only one who presumed that I was some slut, there was a teacher who tried to ...Well you know...Anyway I tried to report him but no one believed me.

Another one of her problems was that she always took everything so seriously. Even when my ability ended well for her she never thanked me. She always found a way to blame me for anything bad she could find from the whole thing. She just had no idea how much those words hurt me. She had no idea though because I made sure she didn't know about my past.

I even tried asking her about how her night was and she wouldn't take the bait. She just stood there sulking about how bad she felt about lying. I had to admit I could see where she was coming from but from my experience, trying to get the truth across was just as hard as it was to be as honest as possible. I thought it was hilarious when she tried to get me to change her back after Thompson got the wrong end of the stick. Even though she doesn't know this but I overheard the conversation she had with Thompson when everything got cleared up. To be honest, I kind of liked how upfront he was about it and she should have really taken the offer rather than be such a prude about it. I could see where he was coming from and at least she could have had a little bit of fun with it as well being someone else every single night. Though now I know that's something to admire in my daughter. She had a sense of self-worth not a lot of women had. There were a lot of women in her position who cared nothing more than being more beautiful than they actually were. Whereas my little girl made the best with what she had and wanted to be strong rather than beautiful. Her role models were politicians and action figures rather than glamorous actresses and barbie dolls. At least I could say that my daughter was original rather than a copy-cat like every other girl in the world. She was her own tribe. She was a warrior woman, just like her mama.

A lot of people didn't think this but I was stronger than I looked. I had the ability to be a Amazon like my ancestors. I was pretty such with my tall, muscular figure and my dark features that there was something of an Amazon in me. Or that was what Julien told me when we first met.

On that night, for the first time in my life I felt really strong. I felt like I was queen of the world and no one was going to stop me. Not my father. Not that perverted teacher. No one. I wish my daughter would have seen me. I knew that when she would see me she would have been proud. She would have seen that beauty wasn't the only thing that I valued. She thought that we were more different than two other people could be but she had no idea how much we really had in common.

I wouldn't have married Julien if beauty was the only thing which mattered to me. I could have had ten times more 'beautiful' and a thousand times richer but I chose Julien because he saw me for what I was. He saw me for the times which I didn't even realise that I was. Loving him and loving Penny made me realise a lot of things about myself. Good. Bad. But those aren't things I'm going to waste my life regretting. I can only regret the bad things which I did to the people I love. When she was born I remembered Gael telling me that Penny was beautiful and I know people say that out of politeness but the truth was that at the time I actually believed that too. I only wish I could have held onto that belief. It was after Gael told me that Julien had died was when everything seemed a little darker. I began to become more materialistic and...Less than. The world seemed to have a shadow cast over it and I felt like my body was being filled with toxic. Penny never smiled ever again. I lived for the present rather than thinking about the past. When I slept with his clone I knew it was a betrayal but it was a chance to be with Julien again. One way or another. I missed him. Was that such a bad thing for me to do? But then they dropped a bomb of me. The moment I found out the truth it confirmed everything I had been told my entire life. I was nothing but an empty headed, beautiful woman to them that they could toss and get around. After I found out what happened to my husband I was determined to show them that they were wrong. I wasn't going to let the Company use me like that any more. I was going to show them that they weren't going to be able to use me and get away with it. I was going to show them and my daughter that I was strong. I was going to show her that she got my strength from me and not just for her own determination. When I saw her slap Thompson across the face I had to admit I was a little proud of her.

When she pointed that gun down at him I could see that fire in her eyes which I knew I had passed onto her from my own heart. Women from my family were strong and when you crossed them they could be as deadly as any predator in the wild. When she teased him with which face he was going to see at the moment of his death I knew she was thinking about that time when he offered her to become his many-faced whore for the endless nights he would have her pleasure him. We got too carried away with Thompson's death not realising ours was coming sooner than we thought. I suppose it doesn't matter that much anyway. Since I didn't have to be left behind with the pain of my child's death for too long...


End file.
